Desperation
by Andrei - ddrhckrzz
Summary: "Nathan, you know you were talking to yourself right?" His friend, Martin, asks, "No, what do you mean? I was talking to Monika all this time. Look-" He looked at the laptop. It was on low battery.


Nathan stared at the screen as all he saw was nothing but a black void. He knew what he had to do. It was inevitable, but it didn't mean it wasn't unfair. It was unfair for him, and for her.

She was going to have to be deleted. And that meant…

He grimaced, he didn't want to dwell too much on that. He sighed and opened the file explorer, going to the folder of her character file and clicking it. He had to end this soon, he knew that, otherwise he couldn't progress through the game and he would have to stare at her all day, but that still meant that at least she'd be alive. But… there was nothing changing. Even from an array of forty plus topics for her to choose from, it didn't really make the game any less… dull. And he really needs to finish that game, if only so that he could go and continue with his life, as… it's been too filled with this game right now.

 _'Doki Doki Literature Club'_ that was what the game was called. It looked so innocent at first, and even though there was a serious warning about the disturbing themes and the possible terrors one could get from playing the game, he hadn't taken it too seriously, and he thought that he would have been fine either way, as he was used to many different horror games after all, how bad could this game be?

Well, he found out, it was not a simple visual novel where one chooses between the four girls to romance with, it was… much more than that. He had grown particularly attached with one character, but all that changed when one of the girls, the one who doesn't seem to have her own route, took control of the game. And… well, all things being said, it ended up with her deleting all the other characters in the game and pretty much destroying her own world along with it.

He wasn't attached nor did he particularly like her at first. Being the popular girl and all, and while she is rather caring of her friends, he found that it was rather creepy what she started doing as he was halfway through the game where the other girls started to get messed up due to her trying to get close to him, the player.

Nathan really found this creepy at first, but… once he had reached the part where she had deleted all the three other characters, which he was in right now, he started to think that… her situation is rather sad. After all, having no feeling of control over your own actions and never achieving true happiness. That, that was something he was able to relate to. A lot.

So even as he knew what lay next should he delete her character file, even as he knew that Monika didn't really delete the other characters because she did care for them immensely, and especially as he knew that there was nowhere else that the game could progress to but just there, in the room where he and Monika would talk for eternity, looping randomly through the forty plus pieces of dialogue, he still couldn't bring it upon himself to remove her character file.

He knew it was just a game.

He tried to tell himself that.

But he couldn't do it. He couldn't let her just fade away like that. While she doesn't fully fade away in the game, he still didn't want her to suffer that kind of fate.

"No." Nathan said to himself, glaring at the screen and closing the file explorer, "I'll make Monika have her happy ending. No matter what it takes." He continued, and took a deep breath, and began to use what ounce of programming knowledge and internet searching skills he had to find methods to make Monika happy and _alive_.

He knew that she wasn't real. He knew that he was delusional at this point. He also knew that he desperately had classes to go to tomorrow. He should have. But he continued nonetheless.

It didn't take him long, really, but he was able to do something for Monika, he was able to make her something where she could fully interact with more than just within the boundaries of the game, he made her more. More alive.

He should have known there was something odd going on when she was able to form more than just simple scripted lines and was able to actually form more than just the usual face and pose that she had in the game, and was able to actually blink and look around. He was too happy to see that he was able to make her feel better, and he knew that she was happy that he was doing this all for her.

Then a worried look came over her face as she watched him through the webcam of the small laptop he was fiddling on.

"Do you not have classes to go to tomorrow, Nathan?" She asks, having been given control to both the speakers and the microphone, therefore being able to ask him questions that way.

"Yes, but… I could care less about that. I want you to be happy, Monika." Nathan said, but the worried frown that seemed to be on her face in the computer screen just stayed there. "Please, don't worry about me. I can handle myself." He says and she lets it go for now.

"Alright. If you say so." She says. "Don't overwork yourself though. Okay?"

"I won't. I promise." He says. "Make yourself comfortable though, I just gave you a place to interact with things that could change your appearance. Try it out." He said, smiling.

"Oh, that's… amazing." She says as she moves around, having been able to move her limbs now. "How do you know all of this already?"

"How do you know Ren'Py and Python in less than an hour?" He asks, grinning.

"Touché." She said with a smile, as she fiddles around with what he gave her, changing the appearance of her clothes and such.

It took him a few more hours to let her control more things, but eventually she was able to fully customize everything on his computer now and even use his browser to do what she wants on the internet, though he had to ask her to kindly not touch on too much of his accounts as he wasn't very comfortable about it. She seemed to be fine with it, after he had convinced her that he didn't actually have a girlfriend, which she found quite hard to believe, but then understood from when she saw his different conversations.

"So, you really have no girlfriend yet?" Monika asked for the fifth time, still not quite believing it.

"For the fifth time, Monika, no. I'd hardly ever be able to get a girlfriend anyways. I mean, for the most part I'm just too lazy on actually doing the work to get someone to like me, and I'm not exactly the most likeable person either." He said, sighing.

"Yet you seem so hard working and focused on doing all of this for me. You're even taking your time out on me. Who couldn't want that?" Monika asked, blinking, she was walking around the computer screen as he was typing some code. She looked at his code every once in a while, and helped out when she could and when she thought it would help. It was nice, he thought, it was like its own smart autocorrect for code. Which was seriously amazing.

"Well, I never did say I made good first impressions." He chuckled, making her chuckle as well, though it did leave a frown on her face.

"Perhaps you do…" She mutters, then found herself looking up at the time and the emails which were in the background, she narrowed her eyes and looked towards him. "You should rest soon. Or—no, you should go to class." She says, "It's not good to skip classes you know?" He just chuckled hollowly which made her frown deepen.

"Nobody would care about me anyways." He says,

"That's not true. There are always people who will care about you, your friends, family, me." She says, "Please, you've done enough for me. I don't even feel the void anymore everytime you close the laptop. I love you and although I love spending every moment with you I… well, I don't want you killing yourself for me. Please." She pleads to him, disabling the keyboard from registering, also the mouse. Everything fades away and only the desktop appears, with Monika standing there, pleading to him with her hands in front of her.

He grits his teeth and closing his eyes as tears starts to well up.

"Monika, please. Let me do this, you don't understand—you _won't_ understand. Nobody cares about me anymore. The people that used to are either dead or gone." He chokes out a sob as he heard Monika gasp.

"Nathan…" She says, "I…"

"No, please, don't. Just… I know you love me, but please… trust me on my own well-being, I just… I don't want to lose you." He says tears streaking down his face, gripping at the laptop. "Please." He whispers pleadingly,

"Nathan." She says, in a soft and calm tone, "Look at me." She asks—no, commands him to do so, when he shook his head, she sighed, "Nathan please, look at me." Slowly he opened his eyes and she was still there in the screen smiling, "I know that I don't understand you, and I know that I won't be able to do so, but please, let me try. So I can help, I… I love you more than anything. And, as…" She gulped for a moment, taking a breath, even though she didn't technically need to breathe, he didn't think much on that though, "As a friend who loves you, please, listen to me. You know I don't want to lose you too, right?" She asks, and he nodded slowly, "So please, don't just ignore my words and—" She was interrupted as there was a loud knock on the door to his room. She looked towards the door for a moment then looked back towards him. She sighed, "We'll talk about this later, okay? For now, go do what you need to do." She says as she shuts down the laptop.

"Alright." He sighed, as she didn't even give him a chance to retort. This didn't make sense at all, this was totally not like Monika to be that way, wasn't she supposed to be incredibly possessive of the character or user? He shook his head, it still made sense, since she wanted him to not kill himself and all. And she did love him.

"Nathan?" He heard the voice of his friend, Martin, say, "Are you okay in there? I heard you didn't attend your classes lately and I was getting really worried." Martin said, and Nathan sighed.

"I'm fine, sorry you had to look after my sorry ass." Nathan said, chuckling slightly as he opened the door. "I guess classes just ended?"

"Yeah, everyone was worried man, seriously dude, you didn't even respond to any of my emails." Martin said, frowning, "You sure you're okay dude?"

"I…" He started then looked towards his laptop which was closed, on his bed. "Not really, no. A game kept me up all night and… I guess I found out that some game characters are more sentient than others. She kept me up all night." He said, rubbing the back of his head, "I won't do it again, she did tell me to go to classes just so I don't worry her and all that…" He muttered, "So, how was classes?" He said, trying to move the topic.

"Nathan," Martin said, staring at Nathan, putting his arms on his shoulders, "You know you were talking to yourself, right?" Nathan blinked, confused.

"What do you mean? I gave her access to the speakers and all, I've been talking to her the whole time lately! You were probably just too far outside." Nathan said too quickly, heart beating fast.

"No, dude, there's barely anything to block out sound in this room you took." Martin said, frowning in concern, "Are you sure you're okay man? You can't be hallucinating again right? Tell me you didn't just hallucinate that Monika girl from DDLC being actually real, right?"

"I—I, no dude, like… no…" Nathan stuttered, wrenching himself out of Martin's grip and opening his laptop, blinking his eyes furiously. "W-what? No! Monika, where are you, damn it?!" He gritted his teeth as his hands shook as he saw something that confirmed his fears.

The laptop was on low battery.

"N-no…" He said, placing back the laptop on the bed and kneeling down on the ground with his hands supporting him, "No! This… this can't be happening again I…"

"Nathan…" Martin said putting a hand on his shoulders. "Come on dude, we should go…" Martin started saying but Nathan wasn't listening, all that was around him right then and there was the fact that he had just hallucinated her.

Her.

Monika.

The only person who loved him.

Was nothing but a game character.

A damn game character.

He closed his eyes and screamed.

When he opened his eyes again, he found himself in the guidance counselor's office.

He had just finished retelling the story and he couldn't help but cry.

After all, he was insane, not just because he liked Monika, a person who he in all right should find nothing to like about, but because he had just made her out to be real. And it hurt. It _fucking_ hurt.

"Well, Nathan, I guess that's our session done for today. While I understand that it may be hard for you, do remember that there are also other people who do love and care for you, your friend, Martin, he took you here right?"

Nathan nodded meekly,

"There, he's your friend. He cares about you deeply. Just remember that. And… while coming to terms with your condition might be very difficult especially for a case like yours, I think it would do you well to make the best out of it at least. Just try to make sure that you don't sacrifice everything else in your life okay?" The counselor said in a soft voice and Nathan nodded. "There, you can go. Remember what I said, okay? And we'll be having counselling sessions every two weeks, so don't forget about that."

"Yes sir. Thank you." He said, then bowed, excusing himself and going outside, and smiled at his friend, Martin, who waited for him outside.

"So, are you feeling better now, Nathan?" Martin asked,

"Never better," Nathan said, laughing slightly at Martin's unconvinced look, "I'm serious! I'm fine now. I swear. Besides, I won't be killing myself soon, I'm not as suicidal as Sayori was." He said smiling,

"Well," Martin sighed, "Whatever you say Nathan. I trust you. Anyways, so, I guess I'll see you in class later, huh?" He says with a smile, and Nathan nodded,

"See ya' dude." Nathan waved as Martin started to walk away to his classes.

Nathan walked over to a nearby bench and opened his laptop.

"Hi Nathan! How did the talk with the Counselor go?" Monika asks with a smile as she appears on the screen. Nathan smiled, and talked about his day with Monika.

If Nathan was being honest, he didn't really care whether or not Monika was actually real anymore. She felt real enough to him. And besides, isn't the point of literature and stuff about the characters who may as well pass off for real people?

He didn't really know where his train of thought was going to, but he didn't care.

He was happy here now.

Happy with Monika.

Just Monika.


End file.
